A Confession, part 16
So I have stopped being of two minds about the lies in the church. I have now started to believe strongly that the religion I joined is very wrong in some ways. In the past I would have said that it was all false, but I cannot say so now. Many people in the church have sincere faith. I say this because I have seen that their faith is what gives them a reason to live. I too have felt the strength of this faith, and I have lived by it. But I am no longer afraid to say that there are lies mixed in with the truth in the church. And even the poor people are touched by these lies.
Both the lies and the truth have been handed down by the church, and they have both been built on what people say about the holy writings of the church. If I am going to be able to separate the lies from the truth, I am going to have to study the holy writings – a job that I have always been afraid to start before now.
My plan now is to turn to the studies that I have, in the past, argued were not important. What I had believed to be a waste of time and not of interest to anyone with a healthy mind, now seems to be the only way that I can find the truth. I must study the Bible and the early writings of the Church to see if I can find where the problem lies.
My plan is not to try to understand everything, because no one can understand everything; and this is most true when trying to understand things that are spiritual and eternal. All I want to do is to find the line between things that I cannot understand because they really are spiritual and eternal, and things that I have been told not to question because they hide the lies in the teachings of the church.
I am confident that there is truth in the teaching of the church but I am equally confident that there are lies, and I must find which is which. I am now starting this job. What I learn from my studies will become the following parts of this book. If I learn things that are important, and if anyone wants to read it, I hope to have this printed after I finish.
1879. Leo Tolstoy